Everyone falls in love. But what happens when it just isn’t enough? For many Nigerians, two simple letters, either AS or SS, can determine the fate of a relationship before it even begins. Couples who click in every other way often find themselves at an impossible crossroads when genotype comes into play. When the potential to produce kids becomes dangerous, responsibility outweighs romance.

It’s a conversation that feels almost clinical on the surface, but in reality, it’s deeply emotional. Behind every “it can’t work” are stories of heartbreak, longing, and choices shaped not just by love, but by science, faith, family, and the fear of bringing a child into the world with sickle cell disease. It’s the story of when blood matters more than the feelings of the hearts that pump it.

A few people spoke to us about letting go of relationships that could have been, simply because of their genotypes. 

Aisha (AS)

I’ve been in this situation multiple times. Sometimes, we start off as friends, and I only think to ask their genotype after I’ve started liking them. When I find out they’re AS, I’m already in too deep to immediately stop talking to them, so we’re in this weird limbo where we can’t be together, but we also can’t be ‘just friends’, so it’s like an unintentional situationship for a long, painful time until I’m finally able to cut them off. 

Other times, I meet someone interesting and find out pretty quickly that they’re also AS (or in one case, AC), and we’ll usually just halt right there. Those situations are easier, since I’m not yet as emotionally invested.

One thing, though: this situation has made me stop believing in the concept of soulmates. I used to think that once you meet your one true love, you’d never again be able to feel attraction towards anyone else, but that’s clearly untrue because I keep falling for people I can’t be with. I think I’m just going to end up marrying any AA man I meet who checks at least some of my boxes. I’ve cried about this so many times, but it is what it is.

Abdul (SS)

I met a girl and everything was going fine. It started getting serious, so I decided I’d better tell her about my genotype early. Honestly, I didn’t think it would be a problem, which was my first lesson. I told her, and she said she had to think about it because it’s a serious thing. She later came back and said she couldn’t continue; she couldn’t handle someone she loved possibly being in pain often. 

We didn’t have much of a conversation. I didn’t try to convince her; I just said “alright”, and it ended there. That experience opened my eyes, and I realised many people don’t have direct experience with sickle cell, so they only know what they read online or hear second-hand. Looking back, I don’t think I handled it right. I should have made it a proper conversation, shared my personal experience, and let her ask questions.

By the time she came back, her mind was made up. What flattened me the most was when she said she prayed tahajjud (special Islamic midnight prayers) before deciding. I thought, “Damn, if she believes God told her to leave me, what could I possibly say that would hold any weight?”

I took all those lessons and applied them with my current partner. I sat down with her and told her, “Look, this is the situation. This is what it comes with. This is how I deal with it.” From there, she had questions like “Oh, how often does it happen? What does it feel like?”. I feel like if I’d just told her I have sickle cell and left her to go Google it, she’d have been more likely to think it’s something that she can’t deal with. 

Wura (AS)

I met this guy about 2 years ago. Practising Muslim, kind, good-looking, hardworking and an all-round gentleman. We got talking, and I found him interesting. The conversation got to genotype, as usual (because I always ask), and he mentioned being AS. I told him that it would not work out because I am completely armed with information about genotypes and sickle cell disease, given that my background is in the sciences. But, somehow, we both couldn’t let go. We liked each other too much. At some point last year, things got serious and we started looking at alternatives to natural conception to prevent or lower the risk of having kids with sickle cell disease. I was open to it, and we believed that with faith and medicine, things would work out.

However, our parents were not having it. We spoke to them separately, and it was a straight no from both his and mine. That’s where things started getting ruined. I noticed my previously open, jovial partner start getting distant. At the time, I wasn’t aware that he had made plans and spoken to his family; all I knew was that there was a noticeable change in energy. He finally told me that he had also spoken with some other family members who had taken the risk, and the feedback was entirely negative. According to him, they had strained relationships with their partners because of the procedures they had to go through for conception. That checked out, because I have also read stories online about how harrowing those procedures are.

Before this particular guy, I have also met two other guys I really clicked with, but couldn’t proceed at all because of the genotype incompatibility. Aluta continua, I guess.

Banke (AS)

I had a huge crush on this guy at school for a whole year, and then we got into a kind of situationship for a year and a half. I knew he had sickle cell, and I didn’t care. I used to visit and take food to him in the school clinic whenever he was ill, until one of the school nurses who knew my mum called and reported me. My mum told my sister, who’s a haematologist, and they both warned me seriously not to try it, and so I had to detach from him. I still wish it could have worked out with him, though. I truly liked him.

Beauty (AS)

I really thought we were going to get married.

We met at the university and were friends for a long time, about 9 years. Always sort of had a thing for each other, but the stars never aligned, and we were never single at the same time.

We got closer this year and made a slow transition from friends to lovers because we both had grad school plans, and were both in the process of moving on from other people – we comforted each other, and bonded over that. I even told a friend that I had found the love of my life, and he asked, “Well, what’s the love of your life’s genotype?”. That’s when I found out the guy was also AS. He already knew we both were, as we had apparently mentioned it at some point during our friendship, although I didn’t really take note of it.

Even though I knew the safest bet would have been to end the relationship, I immediately started looking for options. I re-tested my genotype (because I had gotten conflicting results before, so I wanted to be absolutely sure before I left my dream man), but the results still came out AS.  I threw myself into research. As a Catholic, my faith doesn’t approve of a lot of the medical options like contraception or IVF, especially with preimplantation testing (because it views the discarding of genetically flawed embryos as equivalent to abortion). This also ruled out getting pregnant the traditional way, going through foetal genetic testing, and terminating a foetus that’s found to have sickle cell.  I was willing to compromise and use long-term contraceptives like an IUD (which, to reiterate, is not allowed in my faith). We had conversations around it, which didn’t go very well. During one of these conversations, things weren’t going his way, and he said, “You know what, I’m not doing again”.

If I could have a do-over, I’d have started my research from a more objective point of view, not from the religious aspect. I’d have consulted a gynaecologist and talked through my options. And I would have ended it on my own terms! I was willing to put myself through a lot physically, emotionally and religiously to ensure the relationship could work and we wouldn’t bring a sick child into the world, but he checked out just because a conversation didn’t go his way. That’s not the kind of partner you want when going through something as gruelling as IVF.

What I really want people to know is that it’s impossible to say how you’ll react until you’re in the situation, so give some grace. I tried everything possible not to have to end it because of my feelings, but in the end, I had to.